Make the switch
“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” - Maya Angelou
This quote is another reminder to switch the priority. To bring the priority back to myself.
I have been playing in orchestra this last week and there are so many things and people pulling me outside of myself. There's the need to follow the leader. There's the need to play all the right notes in the right moment with the right inflection. There's the need to be a friendly colleague to fit in. There's the need to respect the words and decisions of the director.
How can I possibly control all these factors? Where am I in all of this?
From moment to moment I find myself physically, mentally and emotionally pulled out of myself. But when I remember, I pose myself some questions:
What if the best way for me to follow someone else is to follow myself?
What if the best way to play everything right is to not care about being right and to think in a way that fosters my own physical and mental wellbeing?
What if the best way to be a good colleague is to look after my own needs first?
What if the best way to foster respect for others is by starting with respecting myself?
Creating space for myself, after so many years of having the priorities switched around is not simple and certainly not my default. But in orchestra, every day, I am gathering more and more experiences that this is the way forward for me. Simply by posing these questions to myself, I am challenging what has been a defective programming til now.
Rehearsals, performances and the breaks in between are proving to be spacious containers where anything is possible. I can go from feelings of frustration towards myself and others to feelings of inner peace and fluidity. I can go from uninspired, autopilot playing to very alive and sometimes even slightly out of control playing. I can go from moments of pressure and stress to moments of vitality and precision and accuracy beyond anything I could have controlled before.
In the end the result is less important, because the wish is just to keep coming back to myself. Over and over again.
The choice is always there and the choice is always mine.
Journaling prompts: Where are you more concerned about someone or something outside of yourself? What would happen if you were to prioritize yourself first? How does it feel in your body to bring the priority back to yourself?
